Over the past few months, I've been through a lot. I have thought about putting it on my blog, but just wasn't ready to do so yet, but I am now!
My life is usually an open book, and I will pretty much answer any question that anyone asks me. Many family members and even my husband says that I tell people too much, but I think that anything I say could be helping someone out, and I try not to offend anyone by saying too much about certain topics.
But one thing I have been thinking about lately is that when little girls are growing up, most of us want the life of a fairy princess. We have our whole life planned out...to marry our prince at whatever age we choose (mine was 22), to have a certain amount of kids by a certain age (mine was to have 4 by 30), and to live happily ever after (well that could still happen!)
Well here I am...I married at 24, had my first son at 27 (yes...I still want 4!), and I'm now 29. My timeline definitely didn't work out the way I had planned. I know that we can all learn the life lesson at some point in our lives...that the truth is no one's life is a fairy tale come true. I do think it's important to allow girls to have hopes and dreams, but we should also be told of the reality of some situations. God's plan is going to overrule our plan, and he will work ALL things together for good, according to HIS purpose. I just always thought that our plans would be the same! :)
When I realized that I was not going to be married by 22, I was completely fine with it! I graduated college telling God that I would be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life and to please guard my heart from any emotions that could lead to an unhealthy relationship. I guess that's when God realized I was ready to meet my husband... I met him the summer after I graduated, but that's another story! We did marry two years later in 2006, when I was 24.
In my original timeline, I probably should have started having kids when I turned 24 if I wanted 4 before I was 30! But I was completely fine waiting. I wanted to spend time with my husband...just us! So that's what we did. We did talk about when we wanted to start our family, and we said we would get pregnant in May of 2008 and have a February baby. Many things happened that month. My sister-in-law suffered the devastating loss of her baby Luke when she was 7 months pregnant...on Mother's Day. We had just started trying, and it hit us hard. We realized that our timeline might not work out the way we wanted it too. We decided to continue trying for a baby, but knew that it might take more than one month. We did not know it would take us 7 months. When we were going through the "motions," it seemed like 7 months was an eternity to conceive!! But now it seems like no time at all. I have so many friends and family that have either taken much longer than 7 months, or realized that they might not be able to conceive their own child. So 7 months was nothing!
When our blessing did arrive, we of course went through our ups and downs, but I knew I still wanted more and I wanted them to be close in age. My sister's second daughter was born two months after my son and hers are 17 months apart. That sounded good to me! Well, right before my son's first birthday, my husband and I discussed having a second, and we decided we would start trying in November of 2010. This would put our kids almost 2 years apart...if we were luckier than the last time. Little did I know, during that discussion, we were already pregnant. I took a test the day my son turned 1, and it was positive. My estimated due date was May 30, 2011. We were very surprised but excited that it happened spontaneously and without really trying. We bought our son a shirt that said, "Shhh...I have a secret" on the front, and "I'm going to be a big brother!" on the back. We decided we would tell our families around 8 1/2 weeks because we were going to see them all that weekend. Our families were excited for us. When I was 9 weeks, 1 day, my husband, Little Man, and I went in for our first ultrasound to figure out the true due date. Unfortunately, we learned that our sweet baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat. We were heartbroken. I had already started a second blog for that pregnancy. I am making it public today, and if you are interested in more details of that pregnancy and that story, you are welcome to read it here.
The doctor's wanted us to wait at least one cycle before trying to conceive again, and by this time, we were both ready to hold a baby in our arms. So we waited and found out we were pregnant again in early January. About a week later, I miscarried again. I couldn't believe that it would happen again...two in a row. Again, we were told to wait one more cycle and that they would run some tests on me during that time. We discovered that I "probably" have a luteal phase defect, and that my progesterone was normal, but on the low side of normal. My doctor told me that we could take an aggressive approach and start Clomid on my next cycle at the end of February. He said the Clomid would help me ovulate earlier and help boost my progesterone to help sustain the pregnancy. He also said there is an 8% increase in risk of multiples, and that it could still take a few months for me to get pregnant again.
Well, we were now walking around on pins and needles, but we felt as though we were taking the right steps to adding a beautiful new blessing to our family.
Throughout the whole process, I was surrounded by the love and support of many women who had similar experiences. I realized that God wasn't causing any of my misfortunes and heartache, that instead he was crying with me and holding me while I cried and didn't understand. I also realized that I should be thankful in every situation. My situation seemed like the worst thing to me, but it wasn't and it isn't, and it never will be the worst thing. We all have our own separate heartaches and trials that we face, but we can help each other through those by talking about what we have been through and offer support to those who need it.
I was mad. I cried. I didn't understand. I hated it. But God was with me through it all...showing up through the loving hugs, words, faces, and relationships of those he put in my life at the perfect time.
I don't think I will ever look at "the bad things" the same again. I will choose to look at my blessings instead, and use "the bad things" to grow stronger and help others!
If you are still reading...thanks for listening to my story. If there is anything I can ever do to help you, my life is an open book, and I will gladly answer any questions or just listen.
I love all of my faithful followers, friends, and family! Thanks for your support and love!